Here comes Santa!

Hope everyone's on their best behavior! Ever wonder what Koker does with all the mounds of coal he has accummulated through the years?

Horican Reporter

Dear Editor,

I had the displeasure of driving through your crapass town yesterday and had a few insights to share with you and your readers.

First of all, did you know your town is built on a marsh? What kind of morons build a town on a marsh? Not only do you appear ignorant of basic logic here, but you are so brainless that you actually tout this fact.

Secondly, your high school's team mascot is the Marshmen. The MarshMEN, that is. Are you so backward that you do not allow female students to participate in athletics? Have you ever heard of Title IX? And what exactly is a Marshman? Actually, I don't want to know. I tried to find your local chapter of NOW, however, I could not -- surprise, surprise -- find one.

Thirdly, the slogan for your newspaper is the most stupid thing yet. "News about the people you care about." If you really care about someone, you should know that something newsworthy happened to them before your stupid rag prints it a week or more later.

Actually, I was wrong -- that's not the stupidest thing about your town. Perhaps the MOST stupid thing is that you make a feeble attempt at being non-offensive by using "Seasons Greetings" banners rather than "Merry Christmas" banners over your downtown streets, yet you have angels decorating the lightpoles. Who's brilliant idea was that? Maybe your ace reporter could get right on that.

By the way, what's the difference between a marsh and a swamp?